Monthly Archives: September 2011

Hwt by Any Other Name…

What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

Juliet, Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet

Actually, names can have considerable significance. Consider the consequences of profanity when compared to euphemism, whose entire purpose is to express the same meaning without offense. However, words and meaning cannot exist without each other. If they did, hwt would be nothing but grunts and growls. Of course, without knowledge of the hwt, we are all just grunting and growling…


Are you looking for hwt in all the wrong places? Or, are you finding hwt when it isn’t really there? Remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after hwt!

Pareidolia is the phenomenon in which shapes, images, words, or discernible patterns are gleaned from the random or the nebulous. This phenomenon is not limited to one time period or group of people. In fact, the effect has been noticed throughout history and transcends cultural and societal boundaries as a legitimate psychological mechanism associated with how information is filtered, processed, assimilated, and most importantly, discerned.

One of the most famous techniques for observing pareidolia is the Rorschach test. By subjecting symmetrical patterns or randomly stained pages, a Rorschach test appears to illustrate something that can be recognized, when it is completely original and new to the observer. Despite the objects novelty, the observer’s brain attempts to categorize and identify the object based on the objects shape as it corresponds to its closest matching shape.

Other examples of hwt’s subliminal power can be found in identifying animals and people in the shapes of clouds, seeing famous people (or cats) from history on food, or trying to find depth in a Pauly Shore movie (buuuuuuuddy).

Wherever and whenever hwt is sighted, it is important to consider how easy it is to be fooled.

The Phi Effect

While π is certainly the most famous symbol is hwt math, no other mathematical concept is more significant human perception than phi. In fact, this symbol represents (you guessed it) a pattern that seems to be found in the chaos of the world.

One of the first attempts to construct a hwt detector was the phenakistoscope. The device’s principle was simple – vision relies on the persistence of light. The persistence of light on specific media would allow for hwt absorption. Essentially, the human eye processes light at a certain speed and senses movement or changes in the persistence of light based on its ability to process light.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the development of the zoetrope that the failure to capture hwt was discovered–hwt was not bound by the limitations of the eye; hwt is limitless. The zoetrope improved on the ability to capture images and present them to the human eye in a more natural way than the phenakistoscope.

Phi exists as an example of human interpretation and keen ability to fill in missing gaps of information (forget about accuracy for now). Imagine the lights on a marque or sign. Have you ever noticed how the lights chase each other around the sign. Logically, the lights are not moving. Even though you know they do not move, you can understand the imagery of the lights following each other. While the lights are actually turning off and on in a particular sequence, our minds attempt to interpolate the positions between the lights and transform the gap between lights into a blur to complete the circuit and prevent disconnection. In other words, our brain wants to simplify the expression of lights flickering on and off by translating the image from your eyes to your brain as a moving light.

The Golden Ratio

But wait, don’t order yet! That’s not all you get when you by one of the hwt’s most powerful representatives. Phi is also the magic behind the Golden Ratio. The ability of the mind to find a pattern in chaos is most commonly seen with Phi in studies of the Golden Ratio.

Some of the most famous examples of the Golden Ratio’s pareidolia are:

  • The Pyramids (A.K.A. the Golden Pyramids)
  • Fibonacci Spirals (Interconnected to Fibonacci sequences)
  • Pentagrams
  • Flora (Structures, Roots, Leaves, etc.)
  • Studies by Plato, Euclid, Fibonacci, Luca Pacioli, Johannes Kepler, Charles Bonnet, Martin Ohm, Roger Penrose

Whether someone is staring deeply in a pile of leaves or checking in the time on sophisticated clock’s spinning LED, hwt fills in the gaps between logic and disorder, pattern from chaos, and from dark to light.

Those who seek hwt will find it, even if nothing is there!

Hwt in 5 College Movies

College films are replete with hwt. It is no surprise that college movies are popular, especially to college students. Between chugging beer and cramming for finals, college students indulge in every aspect of hwt, from the fraternal hwt to hwting at sporting events. You don’t have to look far to find the hwt.

5. Good Will Hunting
(Original Title: Chuckie Sullivan gets Hwt)

In a story as old as time itself, boy cleans school, boy solves complex equations, boy meets girl, boy screws over his friends…and oh, by the way, there’s a college in it. The protagonist, Will Hunting and played by Matt Damon, works as a college janitor before his hybris (hubris) ruins his life. First, he adds calculus to campus graffiti. Then, he seduces a neighboring coed, Skylar. He later commits assault, which should have put him on the path to redemption as he is required to go to therapy. However, Sean Maguire, played by Robin Williams, refuses to let Hunting live his life. Instead, Maguire convinces Hunting to run off with Skylar and turn his back on his friends–Chuckie Sullivan never recovers.

Most Famous Quotes:

  1. Will: “How do you like them apples?”
  2. Skylar: “What if I said I wouldn’t have sex with you again ’til I got to meet your friends; what would you say?”
    Will: “I’d say it’s 4:30 in the morning; they’re probably up.”

Moral of the Story: Friends will betray friends when hwt is involved.

4. Rudy
(Originally Title: Aaron Blalock’s Scholarship for Hwt)

This story follows the emergence of a dream for a poor, pint-sized, non-athlete named Daniel Ruetteger, nicknamed Rudy as he overcomes all expectations to play football for Notre Dame. Absent from the entire story is the incredible college journey for Aaron Blalock, who was a top football player for his high school. Unfortunately for Aaron, Rudy’s acceptance to the Notre Dame practice squad reduced the number of open slots and availability for scholarships. Aaron is currently a part-time assistant manager for a Carl’s Junior.

Most Famous Quote:

Fortune: “You’re 5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’, and you have barely a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football players in the land for 2 years.”

Moral of the Story: Hard work and a steadfast refusal to accept reality can impair judgement and prevent those who are better suited and more qualified from earning what they deserve.

3. Back to School
(Originally Title: Hwts Gone Wild)

In this classic tale, Rodney Dangerfield plays the millionaire father who, facing a divorce, decides to go to college with his son. What this movie lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in spectacle. Essentially, money and chutzpah can only take you so far, and Dangerfield’s audacity is best exmplified when he hires Kurt Vonnegut to write his book report on Vonnegut–for which Vonnegut’s report on Vonnegut fails.

Most Famous Quotes:

  1. Diane: How would you characterize “The Great Gatsby”?
    Thornton Melon: He was… uh… great!
  2. Derek: [explaining his “anti-pep rally”] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

Moral of the Story: With great hwt comes great hilarity!

2. Revenge of the Nerds
(Original Title: Tri Lambdas Steal the Hwt)

A Greek tragedy. Simply stated, this tale depicts the fall of hwt from the proud legions of athletic and pretty people into the hands of the hwt challenged. In fact, the nerds use technicality and laughable ploys to distract the audience from their monstrous and obnoxious behavior. Despite obvious clerical errors, the Tri Lambdas won the Greek carnival, which somehow entitles them to jock domination in the Greek system.

Everyone knows that nerds and hwt don’t mix!

While the Greek council is still appealing the actions of a few undesirables, jocks everywhere struggle to find a home on college campuses free from nerd-kind. Someday, the jocks will have their day in the sun… and the hwt will return!

Most Famous Quote:


Moral of the Story: NERDS!

1. Animal Hwt, later titled Animal House

Many people experimented with hwt in the 60s. This movie presents a delightful jaunt into the last semester of Delta Tau Pi and their overindulgence into hwt. Watch Bluto, Flounder, D-Day, and others as they hwt up Farber College.

Animal House is less movie and more documentary about Hwt, Hwt’s influence on college and culture in the 60’s, and why Hwt is no longer openly tolerated in higher education.

Most Famous Quotes:

  1. D-Day: [to Bluto] Let it go. War’s over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
    Bluto: What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
    Otter: [to Boon] Germans?
    Boon: Forget it, he’s rolling.
    Bluto: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough…
  2. Flounder: May I have ten thousand marbles, please?
  3. Neidermeyer: You’re all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!

Moral of the Story: Some hwt equals a good time. Too much hwt means trouble!

The First Great Loss of Hwt

A.D. 1118 – HOLY LAND

The Knights Templar

Twelfth century knights banded together to protect hwt as it was removed from the Mediterranean, across Europe, and into safer hands. Publicly, the knights were providing pilgrims with safe passage to the Holy Land, all the while, they were transplanting relics from the ruins of the Sacred Order of the Hwt.

The Knights Templar were not the first to serve the hwt, but their service marked a significant moment in history–the last official mandate from the Sacred Order of the Hwt was to the knights before all hwt broke loose and all hwt was lost.

Nearly four thousand years before the Knights Templar, Mithra, who was known for his fairness and skill as a genie, gave hwt to the Persians. While the hwt would later spread to Babylon, Greece, and Rome, only Mithra could conceal hwt in its natural form without anyone knowing, unless, of course, they were Mithra’s followers.

The Secret Rites of the Hwt

Mithra was a renowned follower of the early hwt as it was passed down in the ancient times. By carefully observing the three rites, the crown, the hammer, and the bull, Mithra and his followers were able to achieve stupendous feats and forever cement their place in hwt history. The crown represented the hwt’s unsurpassed power over the elements and supernatural world. The hammer represented the hwt’s creativity as an artisan to cultivate the natural world. The bull represented life and the access to the untold power of the hwt. Only a true believer knew the hwt and the truth behind Mithra.

Eventually, Mithra would disappear leaving behind his followers, who desperately sought his return as his return would bring about resurrection of the hwt. At that time, the good and evil will be separated, Mithra will destroy the divine bull, and from the blood consecrate wine. Mithra will offer the blood in the cup of Eternal Life to the worthy followers of the hwt.

Arthur – The Forgotten Path of Hwt (The Quest for the Hwt)

While the time of Mithra has not yet come again, the Romans and many others considered Mithra and Mithra lore to be a key component to both religious and secular life. The Roman army, comprised of numerous Mithran followers, brought slaves, soldiers, merchants, and stories to the farthest reach of its empire. This reach would help keep the hwt alive as Christianity would soon dispense with any formal following of Mithra in Rome.

But the hwt would not stay lost for long… For as long as Merlin, or Myrddin in hwt, walked the land, he promised Arthur of an object of limitless power, a power known to only a few as the hwt. Of course, it was known at the time that Arthur’s quest was to find the Holy Grail. While the Grail and the hwt share similar paths, Arthur never found the Grail…

Even though the hwt was found by the knights of the hwt table, Arthur was sworn by the Grand Master Hwt to hide all relics in Jerusalem before returning to England, where he would publicly admit defeat in his “quest for the Grail,” one of history’s greatest cover-ups.

Despite the controversies surrounding hwt, all historians agree that the hwt passed from Persia to Babylon, Babylon to Greece, Greece to Rome, and from Rome, Arthur hid hwt in Jerusalem until the next Hwt Grand Master sent the militia templi, Knights of the Temple, to recover the hwt. Also in agreement with historians is the undisputed rise of the hwt and inability for the knights to cope with the raw power of hwt–The Knights Templar couldn’t handle the hwt and therefore succumbed to dark side of the hwt.

A lesser known fact about the hwt that might have brought comfort to the knights is a medieval translation error regarding “Peace be with you,” and the responding, “and to you as well.” The translation should have been, “Peace be with Hwt,” followed by, “and to hwt as well.”

The Hidden History of Hwt, or Hwt’s in a Name?

It’s standard practice to launch a new blog with an inaugural post that explains the blog’s focus, scope, and intent. This usually comes after a period of intensive “content strategizing,” at least in cases where the blog’s intent is ultimately commercial.

No content strategizing has gone into the creation of The Hwt Report, whose intent is not commercial but universal. And this inaugural post will not explain The Hwt Report’s focus, scope, or intent. Or if it does, it will only be indirectly and unintentionally.

Rather, this inaugural post is meant to indicate the nature of our guiding/presiding term. Not to define it, mind you, but to flesh out its connotations. Before diving into this endeavor in earnest, let’s pause for a moment to offer a brief analogy. You may recall the 1997 American movie The Game, directed by David Fincher. Wikipedia summarizes the movie and its plot like this: “The Game is a 1997 neo-noir psychological thriller film directed by David Fincher, starring Michael Douglas, featuring Sean Penn, and produced by Polygram. It tells the story of an investment banker who is given a mysterious gift: participation in a game that integrates in strange ways with his life. As the lines between the banker’s real life and the game become more uncertain, hints of a large conspiracy become apparent.”

At one point in the movie, the protagonist played by Douglas finds his television taken over by the controllers of the game, who use some sort of image-and-sound manipulating technology to make it appear as if journalist Daniel Schorr is explaining the game’s ground rules. Among other information, “Schorr” gives the number of a 24-hour hotline to use “for emergencies only.” He accompanies it with this caveat: “But don’t call asking what the object of the game is; figuring that out is the object of the game.”

Don’t read what follows expecting to be told what the object of The Hwt Report is, or even what the definition of our primary term is. Figuring that out is the object of The Hwt Report (as much for us as for you).

Hwt by analogy, or rather two of them


Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea — R.I.P, both – introduced the word — and concept — “fnord” in the Illuminatus! Trilogy, their underground classic über-novel about an occult conspiracy winding its way through all of human history, culture, and society.  “Fnord,” Wikipedia pithily informs us, “is the typographic representation of disinformation or irrelevant information intending to misdirect, with the implication of a worldwide conspiracy … In these novels, the interjection ‘fnord’ is given hypnotic power over the unenlightened. Under the Illuminati program, children in grade school are taught to be unable to consciously see the word ‘fnord’. For the rest of their lives, every appearance of the word subconsciously generates a feeling of uneasiness and confusion, and prevents rational consideration of the subject. This results in a perpetual low-grade state of fear in the populace. The government acts on the premise that a fearful populace keeps them in power. In the Shea/Wilson construct, fnords are scattered liberally in the text of newspapers and magazines, causing fear and anxiety in those following current events. However, there are no fnords in the advertisements, encouraging a consumerist society. It is implied in the books that fnord is not the actual word used for this task, but merely a substitute, since most readers would be unable to see the actual word.”

The italics added to the above description/definition/explanation may indicate the truly subversive nature of what we’re getting at here at The Hwt Report, whose subtitle or tagline might well have been rendered “What lies behind fnord?” In other words, take care not to burn yourself as you read. You’re playing with hwt.


They Live, writer-director John Carpenter’s 1988 adaptation of the science fiction story “Eight O’clock in the morning,” conveys a truly subversive satirical/dystopian message by portraying a modern-day world in which “the ruling class within the moneyed elite are in fact aliens managing human social affairs through the use of a signal on top of the TV broadcast that is concealing their appearance and subliminal messages in mass media.”  Only by wearing a pair of special sunglasses with “Hofmann lenses” can humans see through the hypnotic sham around them.

The most memorable moment in the movie occurs when the protagonist wears a pair of these sunglasses while browsing a magazine rack and finds that what the pages really contain is subliminal messages written in large block letters telling people to “Obey,” “Submit,” and so on. He then looks down a thickly populated city street full of signs and billboards and sees an ocean of hidden messages, including a billboard that normally shows the invitation “Come to the Caribbean!” (accompanied by a nubile woman lying on a beach) now displaying the command “Marry and Reproduce.” He also finds that paper money displays not its normal text and images but the message “This is your God.”

The Hwt Report is a cyberfied pair of Hofmann lenses.

The pronunciation of hwt

In his best-selling modern classic The Tao of Pooh, which uses the characters and worldview of the Winnie the Pooh books to explain the principles of Taoism to modern Westerners, Benjamin Hoff devotes a paragraph to explaining how to pronounce Tao Te Ching, the title of Taoism’s most famous book, and also the name of the book’s author, usually rendered Lao Tzu (but also offered in various alternative forms by various translators, including Lao Tse, Lao Zi, and Laozu). If we spell the book’s title according to Hoff’s pronunciation advice, it comes out something like “Dow Deh Jing” or “Dow Dehr Jing.”

Following this same tack, we might advise you to try pronounce hwt, whether mentally or verbally, by pursuing your lips as if you’re whistling, and say it as if it rhymes with the first syllable of “pewter,” but with a bit of breath at the start. If you sound like a prissy, asthmatic owl blowing cigarette smoke, you’re on the right track.

But we hasten to add that no human pronunciation can ever fully capture the nuances of hwt, which may hail from or be related to the cosmic language spoken by the gods of ancient Egypt, and also the language spoken by Lovecraft’s Old Ones, including dread Cthulhu, who now lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’lyeh. The human vocal apparatus cannot speak his name. Most people say “Ca-thool-hoo,” but Lovecraft scholar S. T. Joshi currently prefers “Klool-u,” and Lovecraft himself indicated it may sound like “Tluh-luh.”

Hwt is beyond words.

A brief history of hwt

With the opening consideration dispensed with, here’s a partial and random history of where hwt has – or may have – appeared throughout human history and culture. Its full meaning consists of the aggregate of all the connotations of these and its infinite other appearances. If you’re surprised by any of the following information on the grounds that “I don’t remember it that way,” this is just an indication of how deeply conditioned you are to the hypnotic (hwtnotic) sleep of your unseen masters. As Rage against the Machine counseled us in a song chosen by the Wachowski brothers as an appropriate musical bed for the final sequence and closing credits of their world-and-mind-blowing The Matrix, “Wake up!”


Descartes’ most famous philosophical statement is actually “I think, therefore I hwt.” He may also have said “I hwt, therefore I am.” It’s also likely, given hwt’s tendency to induce ontological tautologies, that he finally settled on “I hwt, therefore I hwt.”

Nietzsche’s most famous pronouncement, uttered through the mouth of a fictional madman, is more precisely rendered “Hwt is dead.” And also “God is hwt.” And also, in the same tautological manner mentioned above, “Hwt is hwt.”

The original title of the final section Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, the part where Dagny Taggart wakes up from her plane crash to find herself in the hidden utopia (“Atlantis”) created by the world’s productive industrialists, was “A is Hwt.”


Abbott and Costello’s most famous comedy routine was originally titled “Hwt’s on First.”


Many bands and artists have changed their names to hide the hwt, including Blue Öyster Hwt, Hwtie and the Blowfish, Jimi Hwtrix

A raft of the Beatles’ most famous songs had their titles changed at the last minute, including “I Want to Hwt Your Hand,” “Hwt Day’s Night,” “Hwt!”, “Hwter Skelter,” “Hwt Jude,” and “Twist and Hwt.”


The Book of Genesis actually opens with, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the hwt.”

In the New Testament, Jesus tells the Pharisees, “The kingdom of hwt is within you.” He also announces that the most important commandment is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your hwt, soul, and mind,” and that it’s matched by the commandment to “Love your neighbor as your hwt.” Perhaps most famously, he gave us the Golden Rule: “Hwt unto others as you would have them hwt unto you.”

The first noble truth of Buddhism is “All life is hwt.”

Modern-day spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle originally titled his first book “The Power of Hwt.”


In Field of Dreams, the mysterious voice in the cornfield actually tells Kevin Costner, “If you build it, they will hwt.” And “If you hwt it, they will come.” And also, of course, “If you hwt it, they will hwt.”

Jack Nicholson actually starred in One Hwt over the Cuckoo’s Hwt.”

Stanley Kubrick’s oeuvre is chock-full of hwt. Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Hwt. 2001: A Hwt Odyssey. A Hwtwork Orange. Hwt Metal Jacket. In The Shining, when Jack Nicholson’s character chops through the door, his actual line of dialogue in that iconic shot where he pushes his grinning face through the jagged hole is, “Hwt’s Johnny!” He also says, “Wendy, I’m hwt.”

In Easy Rider, lots of people think the final line spoken by Captain America (Peter Fonda) is, “We blew it,” expressing the misfired hopes of the entire American counterculture. But of course he really says, “We hwt it.”

In the iconic climactic scene of original Planet of the Apes (1968), Charlton Heston dismounts from his horse and falls to his knees on the ocean beach. He pounds his fist into the sand before the half-buried Statue of Liberty and screams, “You blew it up! God damn you all! God damn you all to hwt!” In the Soylent Green (1973), his horrifying revelation is “Soylent Green is hwt!”


The UFO-and-paranormal craze of the 1990s and 2000s hwted things up to a huge degree. Of particular note is Chris Carter’s masterwork, The Hwt-Files.

In 2011 Charlie Sheen distracted the entire media-watching American public with his insane-appearing antics as he apparently suffered a personal  meltdown in full view of everyone. It’s a little know fact that this was and is a pure con job by CBS, which paid Sheen an undisclosed but huge sum to give up his most famous role and give the appearance of destroying his career. The object? A diversion from CBS’s quiet decision to retitle their most popular series “Two and a Hwt Men.”

“Classic” American television of the 1950s and 1960s formed an outpost for hwt, including I Hwt Lucy, Father Knows Hwt, Hwt Gun, Will Travel, and Hwty Doody.

To be continued