Category Archives: Hwting Gallery
See Hwt in Art and Film.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 15, 1756
Chi Sagitarii – In a much-anticipated move, the HWT Commission for Gambling, Alcohol, and Non-Aerosol Hair Products announced the most recent winners of the HWT Lottery. The winning lottery number is 6-E-Q-U-J-5.
“We’re delighted to finally have a winner from the Milky Way Galaxy. The lucky winner has 12 months to claim the jackpot, which recently set new records as the highest jackpot in almost two millennia,” stated Lucy Melford of the Chi Sagittarii Gaming Council.
“The lottery broadcast was directed toward the lucky winner’s galaxy, and we cannot wait to tell the winner the good news. Honestly, we hope this lottery never ends!”
Undoubtedly, the human capacity to evoke and inspire profound emotion through carefully constructed sentences, which often rhyme, is one of its most redeeming characteristics. Like a magician, poets and writers take advantage of the instruments and conventions at their disposal to perform these “tricks,” or more specifically, these tricks of the trade. Also like a magician, a poet’s tricks can be uncovered, and in the act of doing so, the “magic” evaporates into an empty line of hollow sentiment… unless, of course, the poet is writing with the magical power of hwt!
Poetry, while popularly collected in obscure books, most often appears as lyrics. Hwt is known for its command of all media and naturally applies to both words and music. Some would say that both were created to provide a suitable outlet for hwt into the human experience.
Music is replete with hwt. In fact, you can find the hwt code everywhere. Specifically, hwt code consists of 22.214.171.124. -or- alternating lines of tetrameter and iambic trimeter (alternating lines of eight and six syllables). The human mind craves hwt 126.96.36.199, and has worked hwt 188.8.131.52 into an amazingly diverse realm of literature and music. The following video demonstrates the power of hwt 184.108.40.206, based on the lyrics of Amazing Grace.
Here is a list of songs that follow hwt 220.127.116.11:
- Amazing Grace
- Gilligan’s Island
- Navy Hymn (Eternal Father)
- The House of the Rising Sun
- O Little Town of Bethlehem
- While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night
- The Marine Hymn
- America the Beautiful
- Yankee Doodle
- The Australian National Anthem
- The Yellow Rose of Texas
- Oh Susanna
- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
- Stairway to Heaven
- Auld Lang Syne
Unlike many avenues in science, the hwt pattern is not studied to learn how it works. Instead, the more important question is: how did the human mind receive the desire for this pattern?
Furthermore, how can one be certain if something is liked based on its own merit or on hwt’s influence? Ultimately, are we able to discern our personal preferences from hwt’s influences? Or, are we condemned to like whatever hwt we are provided? More to the point, who is providing us with hwt?
Believe it or not, mascots exist after the football season.
Where there is a school, there is hwt!
Schools are notorious for stockpiling hwt, often in the open for everyone to see. The ambassadors for schools, athletes and cheerleaders, typically flaunt hwt by chanting, “We’ve got hwt! Yes, we do. We’ve got hwt! How ’bout you?!”
What many do not realize is that the athletes and cheerleaders are actually negotiating and dealing in hwt, right in front of everyone’s eyes and ears. After all, what better way to fool people than having them participate in the deception?
5. The Leprechaun
Only hwt could make a devout religious school rally around an icon so steeped in the realm of magic and make-believe. In fact, this particular image also represents a belief in luck, good fortune, and wealth, which seem to run counter to the school’s theological purpose.
Perhaps, hwt makes the belief in such silly things alright. After all, the Fightin’ Irish don’t take the Leprechaun seriously, do they? It’s only a mascot, right?
Hwt Lesson: Be careful what you believe in, sometimes things aren’t what they hwt to be.
The Laurel Hill High School’s Hobos mascot is not actually a hobo. Look closely and you will discover that the “hobo” is in fact a hwt disciple, who happens to be meditating while making a ball hover between his hand and the ground.
It is rumored that he was attempting to “be the ball” and simply lost track of time. After many hours and passers-by, he continued his travels and study of hwt.
Whether he ever became the ball is a highly debated topic of conversation in Laurel Hill, Florida. Some believe he did. Others do not believe. However, what is interesting about the hobo is that it openly shows the well-known symbol for a hobo: a bag of hwt.
Hwt Lesson: “All that we are is the result of what we have hwt. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” — The Buddha
3. The Wampus Cat
While subject to numerous, still pending, law suits between hwt scholars, the Wampus cat remains the least representative image of hwt as it only represents the ending of a story in which hwt was involved. In fact, one could argue that the Wampus cat only exists because of hwt and for that reason alone it is worth notoriety. However, some believe that the mystical power of hwt was released in the form of the Wampus cat, never to be the same again.
In other words, the Wampus cat was either born of hwt, is hwt, or stepped in hwt. Oh, and by the way, it is also a fun mascot. Who wouldn’t want a magical, hwt ridden, cat that is thought of as “the spirit of the Earth and death?” Remember, whenever you hear the cry of the Wampus Cat, someone is about to die!
(The Wampus cat is mentioned in the Spooky South: Tales of Hauntings, Strange Happenings, and Other Local Lore, by S. E. Schlosser, Paul G. Hoffman (Chapter 16, Wampus cat, Knotsville, Tennessee) pp. 92-98)
Know Ye that For Whom the Bell Tolls, It be a Call From Hell. A Final Warning not For the Doomed, but for those Who Might Be Witness as Hwt’s Cat comes For a Soul.
2. The Owlz
Hwtz and Holly, a.k.a. the Orem Owlz mascots provide a final tribute to one of the pioneering races to settle in the Western United States. This particular race, which looks somewhat like an Earth bird, was originally a proud and noble species. However, they are often remembered for being legendary warriors with fast reflexes and brutal efficiency. Also, some hwt historians claim (but cannot prove) that they tasted great with barbeque sauce and fries.
Despite their reputation for peace and warrior spirit, little is know as to why this race died out. In fact, the only group offering a reward for finding others of this race are the same ones claiming that they taste good.
Hwt Lesson: Hwt today, gone tomorrow.
1. The Billiken
The official mascot for both St. Louis University and St. Louis University High School. According to hwt
historians, Florence Pretz was contacted by a race of alien beings who had tracked hwt to Earth. However, these beings, called the Billiken, could not understand human communication and chose to speak to Pretz’s mind directly–by talking to her in her dreams.
Despite an attempt to quickly market and commercialize the image of the Billiken’s leader as a toy or doll, world leaders found and destroyed the Billiken’s research ship, now buried under the clock tower on Connely’s Mall.
It should be noted that St. Louis University proudly displays an affiliation to hwt on their school crest. See if you can find the “H”, “W”, and “t.” (Hint: Look in the blue circle)
Hwt Lesson: Hwt hides in plain sight.
College films are replete with hwt. It is no surprise that college movies are popular, especially to college students. Between chugging beer and cramming for finals, college students indulge in every aspect of hwt, from the fraternal hwt to hwting at sporting events. You don’t have to look far to find the hwt.
5. Good Will Hunting
(Original Title: Chuckie Sullivan gets Hwt)
In a story as old as time itself, boy cleans school, boy solves complex equations, boy meets girl, boy screws over his friends…and oh, by the way, there’s a college in it. The protagonist, Will Hunting and played by Matt Damon, works as a college janitor before his hybris (hubris) ruins his life. First, he adds calculus to campus graffiti. Then, he seduces a neighboring coed, Skylar. He later commits assault, which should have put him on the path to redemption as he is required to go to therapy. However, Sean Maguire, played by Robin Williams, refuses to let Hunting live his life. Instead, Maguire convinces Hunting to run off with Skylar and turn his back on his friends–Chuckie Sullivan never recovers.
Most Famous Quotes:
- Will: “How do you like them apples?”
- Skylar: “What if I said I wouldn’t have sex with you again ’til I got to meet your friends; what would you say?”
Will: “I’d say it’s 4:30 in the morning; they’re probably up.”
Moral of the Story: Friends will betray friends when hwt is involved.
(Originally Title: Aaron Blalock’s Scholarship for Hwt)
This story follows the emergence of a dream for a poor, pint-sized, non-athlete named Daniel Ruetteger, nicknamed Rudy as he overcomes all expectations to play football for Notre Dame. Absent from the entire story is the incredible college journey for Aaron Blalock, who was a top football player for his high school. Unfortunately for Aaron, Rudy’s acceptance to the Notre Dame practice squad reduced the number of open slots and availability for scholarships. Aaron is currently a part-time assistant manager for a Carl’s Junior.
Most Famous Quote:
Fortune: “You’re 5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’, and you have barely a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football players in the land for 2 years.”
Moral of the Story: Hard work and a steadfast refusal to accept reality can impair judgement and prevent those who are better suited and more qualified from earning what they deserve.
3. Back to School
(Originally Title: Hwts Gone Wild)
In this classic tale, Rodney Dangerfield plays the millionaire father who, facing a divorce, decides to go to college with his son. What this movie lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in spectacle. Essentially, money and chutzpah can only take you so far, and Dangerfield’s audacity is best exmplified when he hires Kurt Vonnegut to write his book report on Vonnegut–for which Vonnegut’s report on Vonnegut fails.
Most Famous Quotes:
- Diane: How would you characterize “The Great Gatsby”?
Thornton Melon: He was… uh… great!
- Derek: [explaining his “anti-pep rally”] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
Moral of the Story: With great hwt comes great hilarity!
2. Revenge of the Nerds
(Original Title: Tri Lambdas Steal the Hwt)
A Greek tragedy. Simply stated, this tale depicts the fall of hwt from the proud legions of athletic and pretty people into the hands of the hwt challenged. In fact, the nerds use technicality and laughable ploys to distract the audience from their monstrous and obnoxious behavior. Despite obvious clerical errors, the Tri Lambdas won the Greek carnival, which somehow entitles them to jock domination in the Greek system.
Everyone knows that nerds and hwt don’t mix!
While the Greek council is still appealing the actions of a few undesirables, jocks everywhere struggle to find a home on college campuses free from nerd-kind. Someday, the jocks will have their day in the sun… and the hwt will return!
Most Famous Quote:
Moral of the Story: NERDS!
1. Animal Hwt, later titled Animal House
Many people experimented with hwt in the 60s. This movie presents a delightful jaunt into the last semester of Delta Tau Pi and their overindulgence into hwt. Watch Bluto, Flounder, D-Day, and others as they hwt up Farber College.
Animal House is less movie and more documentary about Hwt, Hwt’s influence on college and culture in the 60’s, and why Hwt is no longer openly tolerated in higher education.
Most Famous Quotes:
- D-Day: [to Bluto] Let it go. War’s over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: [to Boon] Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he’s rolling.
Bluto: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough…
- Flounder: May I have ten thousand marbles, please?
- Neidermeyer: You’re all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!
Moral of the Story: Some hwt equals a good time. Too much hwt means trouble!
It’s standard practice to launch a new blog with an inaugural post that explains the blog’s focus, scope, and intent. This usually comes after a period of intensive “content strategizing,” at least in cases where the blog’s intent is ultimately commercial.
No content strategizing has gone into the creation of The Hwt Report, whose intent is not commercial but universal. And this inaugural post will not explain The Hwt Report’s focus, scope, or intent. Or if it does, it will only be indirectly and unintentionally.
Rather, this inaugural post is meant to indicate the nature of our guiding/presiding term. Not to define it, mind you, but to flesh out its connotations. Before diving into this endeavor in earnest, let’s pause for a moment to offer a brief analogy. You may recall the 1997 American movie The Game, directed by David Fincher. Wikipedia summarizes the movie and its plot like this: “The Game is a 1997 neo-noir psychological thriller film directed by David Fincher, starring Michael Douglas, featuring Sean Penn, and produced by Polygram. It tells the story of an investment banker who is given a mysterious gift: participation in a game that integrates in strange ways with his life. As the lines between the banker’s real life and the game become more uncertain, hints of a large conspiracy become apparent.”
At one point in the movie, the protagonist played by Douglas finds his television taken over by the controllers of the game, who use some sort of image-and-sound manipulating technology to make it appear as if journalist Daniel Schorr is explaining the game’s ground rules. Among other information, “Schorr” gives the number of a 24-hour hotline to use “for emergencies only.” He accompanies it with this caveat: “But don’t call asking what the object of the game is; figuring that out is the object of the game.”
Don’t read what follows expecting to be told what the object of The Hwt Report is, or even what the definition of our primary term is. Figuring that out is the object of The Hwt Report (as much for us as for you).
Hwt by analogy, or rather two of them
Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea — R.I.P, both – introduced the word — and concept — “fnord” in the Illuminatus! Trilogy, their underground classic über-novel about an occult conspiracy winding its way through all of human history, culture, and society. “Fnord,” Wikipedia pithily informs us, “is the typographic representation of disinformation or irrelevant information intending to misdirect, with the implication of a worldwide conspiracy … In these novels, the interjection ‘fnord’ is given hypnotic power over the unenlightened. Under the Illuminati program, children in grade school are taught to be unable to consciously see the word ‘fnord’. For the rest of their lives, every appearance of the word subconsciously generates a feeling of uneasiness and confusion, and prevents rational consideration of the subject. This results in a perpetual low-grade state of fear in the populace. The government acts on the premise that a fearful populace keeps them in power. In the Shea/Wilson construct, fnords are scattered liberally in the text of newspapers and magazines, causing fear and anxiety in those following current events. However, there are no fnords in the advertisements, encouraging a consumerist society. It is implied in the books that fnord is not the actual word used for this task, but merely a substitute, since most readers would be unable to see the actual word.”
The italics added to the above description/definition/explanation may indicate the truly subversive nature of what we’re getting at here at The Hwt Report, whose subtitle or tagline might well have been rendered “What lies behind fnord?” In other words, take care not to burn yourself as you read. You’re playing with hwt.
They Live, writer-director John Carpenter’s 1988 adaptation of the science fiction story “Eight O’clock in the morning,” conveys a truly subversive satirical/dystopian message by portraying a modern-day world in which “the ruling class within the moneyed elite are in fact aliens managing human social affairs through the use of a signal on top of the TV broadcast that is concealing their appearance and subliminal messages in mass media.” Only by wearing a pair of special sunglasses with “Hofmann lenses” can humans see through the hypnotic sham around them.
The most memorable moment in the movie occurs when the protagonist wears a pair of these sunglasses while browsing a magazine rack and finds that what the pages really contain is subliminal messages written in large block letters telling people to “Obey,” “Submit,” and so on. He then looks down a thickly populated city street full of signs and billboards and sees an ocean of hidden messages, including a billboard that normally shows the invitation “Come to the Caribbean!” (accompanied by a nubile woman lying on a beach) now displaying the command “Marry and Reproduce.” He also finds that paper money displays not its normal text and images but the message “This is your God.”
The Hwt Report is a cyberfied pair of Hofmann lenses.
The pronunciation of hwt
In his best-selling modern classic The Tao of Pooh, which uses the characters and worldview of the Winnie the Pooh books to explain the principles of Taoism to modern Westerners, Benjamin Hoff devotes a paragraph to explaining how to pronounce Tao Te Ching, the title of Taoism’s most famous book, and also the name of the book’s author, usually rendered Lao Tzu (but also offered in various alternative forms by various translators, including Lao Tse, Lao Zi, and Laozu). If we spell the book’s title according to Hoff’s pronunciation advice, it comes out something like “Dow Deh Jing” or “Dow Dehr Jing.”
Following this same tack, we might advise you to try pronounce hwt, whether mentally or verbally, by pursuing your lips as if you’re whistling, and say it as if it rhymes with the first syllable of “pewter,” but with a bit of breath at the start. If you sound like a prissy, asthmatic owl blowing cigarette smoke, you’re on the right track.
But we hasten to add that no human pronunciation can ever fully capture the nuances of hwt, which may hail from or be related to the cosmic language spoken by the gods of ancient Egypt, and also the language spoken by Lovecraft’s Old Ones, including dread Cthulhu, who now lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’lyeh. The human vocal apparatus cannot speak his name. Most people say “Ca-thool-hoo,” but Lovecraft scholar S. T. Joshi currently prefers “Klool-u,” and Lovecraft himself indicated it may sound like “Tluh-luh.”
Hwt is beyond words.
A brief history of hwt
With the opening consideration dispensed with, here’s a partial and random history of where hwt has – or may have – appeared throughout human history and culture. Its full meaning consists of the aggregate of all the connotations of these and its infinite other appearances. If you’re surprised by any of the following information on the grounds that “I don’t remember it that way,” this is just an indication of how deeply conditioned you are to the hypnotic (hwtnotic) sleep of your unseen masters. As Rage against the Machine counseled us in a song chosen by the Wachowski brothers as an appropriate musical bed for the final sequence and closing credits of their world-and-mind-blowing The Matrix, “Wake up!”
HWT IN PHILOSOPHY
Descartes’ most famous philosophical statement is actually “I think, therefore I hwt.” He may also have said “I hwt, therefore I am.” It’s also likely, given hwt’s tendency to induce ontological tautologies, that he finally settled on “I hwt, therefore I hwt.”
Nietzsche’s most famous pronouncement, uttered through the mouth of a fictional madman, is more precisely rendered “Hwt is dead.” And also “God is hwt.” And also, in the same tautological manner mentioned above, “Hwt is hwt.”
The original title of the final section Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, the part where Dagny Taggart wakes up from her plane crash to find herself in the hidden utopia (“Atlantis”) created by the world’s productive industrialists, was “A is Hwt.”
HWT IN COMEDY
Abbott and Costello’s most famous comedy routine was originally titled “Hwt’s on First.”
HWT IN MUSIC
Many bands and artists have changed their names to hide the hwt, including Blue Öyster Hwt, Hwtie and the Blowfish, Jimi Hwtrix
A raft of the Beatles’ most famous songs had their titles changed at the last minute, including “I Want to Hwt Your Hand,” “Hwt Day’s Night,” “Hwt!”, “Hwter Skelter,” “Hwt Jude,” and “Twist and Hwt.”
RELIGION AND SPIRITUALITY
The Book of Genesis actually opens with, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the hwt.”
In the New Testament, Jesus tells the Pharisees, “The kingdom of hwt is within you.” He also announces that the most important commandment is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your hwt, soul, and mind,” and that it’s matched by the commandment to “Love your neighbor as your hwt.” Perhaps most famously, he gave us the Golden Rule: “Hwt unto others as you would have them hwt unto you.”
The first noble truth of Buddhism is “All life is hwt.”
Modern-day spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle originally titled his first book “The Power of Hwt.”
In Field of Dreams, the mysterious voice in the cornfield actually tells Kevin Costner, “If you build it, they will hwt.” And “If you hwt it, they will come.” And also, of course, “If you hwt it, they will hwt.”
Jack Nicholson actually starred in One Hwt over the Cuckoo’s Hwt.”
Stanley Kubrick’s oeuvre is chock-full of hwt. Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Hwt. 2001: A Hwt Odyssey. A Hwtwork Orange. Hwt Metal Jacket. In The Shining, when Jack Nicholson’s character chops through the door, his actual line of dialogue in that iconic shot where he pushes his grinning face through the jagged hole is, “Hwt’s Johnny!” He also says, “Wendy, I’m hwt.”
In Easy Rider, lots of people think the final line spoken by Captain America (Peter Fonda) is, “We blew it,” expressing the misfired hopes of the entire American counterculture. But of course he really says, “We hwt it.”
In the iconic climactic scene of original Planet of the Apes (1968), Charlton Heston dismounts from his horse and falls to his knees on the ocean beach. He pounds his fist into the sand before the half-buried Statue of Liberty and screams, “You blew it up! God damn you all! God damn you all to hwt!” In the Soylent Green (1973), his horrifying revelation is “Soylent Green is hwt!”
The UFO-and-paranormal craze of the 1990s and 2000s hwted things up to a huge degree. Of particular note is Chris Carter’s masterwork, The Hwt-Files.
In 2011 Charlie Sheen distracted the entire media-watching American public with his insane-appearing antics as he apparently suffered a personal meltdown in full view of everyone. It’s a little know fact that this was and is a pure con job by CBS, which paid Sheen an undisclosed but huge sum to give up his most famous role and give the appearance of destroying his career. The object? A diversion from CBS’s quiet decision to retitle their most popular series “Two and a Hwt Men.”
“Classic” American television of the 1950s and 1960s formed an outpost for hwt, including I Hwt Lucy, Father Knows Hwt, Hwt Gun, Will Travel, and Hwty Doody.