Monthly Archives: September 2012
The legendary rock band Magnetar has finally released an album after years of creative differences, mainly about which font to use on the album cover. Attract and Destroy is hailed as the epic culmination of high-mathematics, musicianship, and coma-inducing lyrics.
The album features thirteen songs, none shorter than fifteen minutes.
- Attract and Destroy
- Big Banger
- Argentum Asstrum
- Blow, Wench, Blow
- Libido 0.39
- Desert Penguin
- Savage Popsicle
- Quantum Love
- Love is a Singularity (from which there is no escape)
Magnetar, formerly known as Gravitar, first formed as part of a group therapy for AAAAA (Attractive Alcoholics, Aliens, & Artists Anonymous).
While no one knows exactly what caused the group to form, it is commonly believed that the Cult of HWT was responsible for producing their first album, Green Mollusk Clan.
Duke Alpha (drums & vocals)
Candy Summers (bass & vocals)
Lev Earn (keyboards, guitar, & vocals)
Jay Anaconda (vocals & guitar)
Chuck (lead guitar & vocals)
Magnetar first appeared as a wedding cover band for League of Puppeteers (Ohio Chapter). However, after several intense arguments over bar tabs, hook-ups with bridesmaids, one groom, and two ministers, Magnetar received the first lifetime ban from the state of Ohio, the Boys & Girls Club of Ohio, and Le Flamingo’s Pizzeria, Delicatessen & Karaoke bar.
Chuck, the outspoken and self-proclaimed “prophet of violence and pasta”, was arrested in 1984 for planting spy equipment in numerous federal buildings in an attempt to “watch them, watching us.” His discovered the depth of his paranoia when he was confronted about his crimes and the manor in which he had been caught. It seems that as he was attempting to plant the bugs and surveillance equipment, his fans were following him and videoing his every move. In fact, the footage was good that, after the trial, he purchased the complete film to create the only coherent documentary about the group, so far.
During his trial, Chuck was reported dead twice, alive once, and it believed to have kissed the judge, the bailiff, and an undisclosed number of jurors before being restrained and eventually confined to a cell for a contempt of court charge.
Also, Chuck, who was representing himself at the time he was found in contempt, was then represented by his girlfriend, a nineteen year old with multicolored hair, numerous piercings and tattoos, and an almost impossible-to-understand speech impediment. Despite her miraculous defense, Chuck was found guilty on all charges, guilty on additional charges accrued during the trial, and publicly scolded by the judge for offenses including personal hygiene.
This was the first public episode that negatively impacted the band, but it would not be the last. Many Magnetar historians describe this as the “defining moment” from which the band would never be the same. Some have noted that the shenanigans committed by the members seem to represent an attempt to “one up” the others in magnitude and severity.
He is currently celebrating his recent marriage and sponsorship by Purple Kow Sports. “It means a lot that they believe in my skating so much. I mean, just because I’ve never skated doesn’t mean I’m not great at it!”
Even after a long fight with alcohol and drugs, Candy is back to partying.
Even more ambitious than his previous safari in Rhode Island, Chuck has endeavored to find the perfect balance between, man and beast, hunter and pray, and explosives and dinner. When asked about his stance on gun control, he responded, “Guns? Guns, who’s using guns? Son, you should ‘a done your homework. I only use the finest in custom made munitions. And, ain’t a one of ’em a gun!” Coincidentally, Chuck just won a fishing tournament without the use of a rod and just spent several months in jail for destroying a police boat and a game warden’s pants.
“When I go hunting, I want mother nature to wet her pants!”