Any College, USA October 15, 2013 An enterprising first-semester student has discovered a ground-breaking technique in English that threatens to erase decades, if not centuries, of traditional scholastic effort. According to another student, this concept will “spread to every student, on every campus, for every college in the world,” and “[it]… will never stop.”
Many college professors have given up on directly confronting this technique by simply ignoring it. Jack E. T. “Patch” Brown, PhD. believes, “there isn’t much use fighting it directly. I mean, what good would that do?” He later explains, “sure, some students have explored various parts of technique in the past, but it has gone too far now to turn back. Even worse, it is now popping up all over campus. It can’t be stopped!”
Brown goes on to identify the technique as pieced together from evidence:
- Part One – A student is given an assignment, usually involving a research, a writing component, and a sufficient amount of time to complete the assignment.
- Part Two – Students discern the complex activities involved in a detailed effort to complete the project in order to come up “the plan” to complete the project.
- Part Three – The deception begins. Using various forms of deception and deep-cover, psychological manipulation, students embark on a series of apparent missteps to throw off professors from perception into “the plan.” Often, the deception is so complete, professors have no indication that students have begun the project or even acknowledged its receipt.
- Part Four – Now at the most critical stage, “the plan” is implemented in a full-on torrent of activity that incites incredible feats of planning, activity, and endurance as the student begins assimilating information, applying concepts, and satisfying requirements appropriate for the assignment. Typically, “the plan” is delayed until the last possible moment to prevent unwanted interference from professors, tutors, librarians, or other academics. Simply, this academic tour-de-force is an individual effort and represents the actions of the student as both hero and scholastic “lone wolf.”
- Part Five – Sabotage: Arguably the most confusing aspect of this technique is the intentional deconstruction of various components within the project to prevent “too high of a score.” Many senior faculty believe this to be the equivalent of missing questions intentionally on a test when you cheat to prevent suspicion. Similarly, those using “the plan” often obfuscate “the plan’s” success to prevent professors from detecting it as part of the process.
While the identity of the student remains a mystery, some believe that he did not act alone. According to statements from Anycampus president Lee Metyd Tolrence:
“We have reason to believe that students on other campus have been discovered using this technique to complete their work. Since we do not know who the original student was, we can only assume that more than one student is now perpetuating this and sharing it with others. As for the extent of this problem, we have no idea how to contain it, prevent it, or contend with its inevitable spread. We recommend faculty accept this as the new practice for all students, and we hope they make whatever adjustments necessary to safeguard academic rigor in coursework and quality in the classroom.” –Anycampus president Lee Metyd Tolrence
Students seem to be unusually content to keep this secret. Despite numerous attempts to find the identity of the technique’s creator, no one seemed willing to talk. In fact, many abruptly left upon mention of the student, the technique, “the plan,” or anything about how students plan on completing assignments.
Without question, HWT has influenced the college campus. Today it has changed how students complete assignments. What will it change tomorrow?
Believe it or not, mascots exist after the football season.
Where there is a school, there is hwt!
Schools are notorious for stockpiling hwt, often in the open for everyone to see. The ambassadors for schools, athletes and cheerleaders, typically flaunt hwt by chanting, “We’ve got hwt! Yes, we do. We’ve got hwt! How ’bout you?!”
What many do not realize is that the athletes and cheerleaders are actually negotiating and dealing in hwt, right in front of everyone’s eyes and ears. After all, what better way to fool people than having them participate in the deception?
5. The Leprechaun
Only hwt could make a devout religious school rally around an icon so steeped in the realm of magic and make-believe. In fact, this particular image also represents a belief in luck, good fortune, and wealth, which seem to run counter to the school’s theological purpose.
Perhaps, hwt makes the belief in such silly things alright. After all, the Fightin’ Irish don’t take the Leprechaun seriously, do they? It’s only a mascot, right?
Hwt Lesson: Be careful what you believe in, sometimes things aren’t what they hwt to be.
The Laurel Hill High School’s Hobos mascot is not actually a hobo. Look closely and you will discover that the “hobo” is in fact a hwt disciple, who happens to be meditating while making a ball hover between his hand and the ground.
It is rumored that he was attempting to “be the ball” and simply lost track of time. After many hours and passers-by, he continued his travels and study of hwt.
Whether he ever became the ball is a highly debated topic of conversation in Laurel Hill, Florida. Some believe he did. Others do not believe. However, what is interesting about the hobo is that it openly shows the well-known symbol for a hobo: a bag of hwt.
Hwt Lesson: “All that we are is the result of what we have hwt. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” — The Buddha
3. The Wampus Cat
While subject to numerous, still pending, law suits between hwt scholars, the Wampus cat remains the least representative image of hwt as it only represents the ending of a story in which hwt was involved. In fact, one could argue that the Wampus cat only exists because of hwt and for that reason alone it is worth notoriety. However, some believe that the mystical power of hwt was released in the form of the Wampus cat, never to be the same again.
In other words, the Wampus cat was either born of hwt, is hwt, or stepped in hwt. Oh, and by the way, it is also a fun mascot. Who wouldn’t want a magical, hwt ridden, cat that is thought of as “the spirit of the Earth and death?” Remember, whenever you hear the cry of the Wampus Cat, someone is about to die!
(The Wampus cat is mentioned in the Spooky South: Tales of Hauntings, Strange Happenings, and Other Local Lore, by S. E. Schlosser, Paul G. Hoffman (Chapter 16, Wampus cat, Knotsville, Tennessee) pp. 92-98)
Know Ye that For Whom the Bell Tolls, It be a Call From Hell. A Final Warning not For the Doomed, but for those Who Might Be Witness as Hwt’s Cat comes For a Soul.
2. The Owlz
Hwtz and Holly, a.k.a. the Orem Owlz mascots provide a final tribute to one of the pioneering races to settle in the Western United States. This particular race, which looks somewhat like an Earth bird, was originally a proud and noble species. However, they are often remembered for being legendary warriors with fast reflexes and brutal efficiency. Also, some hwt historians claim (but cannot prove) that they tasted great with barbeque sauce and fries.
Despite their reputation for peace and warrior spirit, little is know as to why this race died out. In fact, the only group offering a reward for finding others of this race are the same ones claiming that they taste good.
Hwt Lesson: Hwt today, gone tomorrow.
1. The Billiken
The official mascot for both St. Louis University and St. Louis University High School. According to hwt
historians, Florence Pretz was contacted by a race of alien beings who had tracked hwt to Earth. However, these beings, called the Billiken, could not understand human communication and chose to speak to Pretz’s mind directly–by talking to her in her dreams.
Despite an attempt to quickly market and commercialize the image of the Billiken’s leader as a toy or doll, world leaders found and destroyed the Billiken’s research ship, now buried under the clock tower on Connely’s Mall.
It should be noted that St. Louis University proudly displays an affiliation to hwt on their school crest. See if you can find the “H”, “W”, and “t.” (Hint: Look in the blue circle)
Hwt Lesson: Hwt hides in plain sight.